January 2005

How Dare You?

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I made a trip to Wegmans tonight, and for the first time, I left feeling sad and disillusioned. When I walked into the store, I saw there was a new Wegmans Menu magazine out. Being that I love Wegmans and I love to cook, I'm sure you can imagine that I really love that magazine. The magazine itself has an asking price of $4. Have I ever actually spent a dime on that magazine? No. Do I shoplift it? No.

I didn't see the yellow sign saying that the magazine would be free with a Shopper's Club card, but I assumed that had to be a mistake. You know what happens when you assume things though, right? It makes an ass out of "u" and "me." Tee-hee, I love that joke.

I won't go into the gory details, but Wegmans actually tried to charge me $4 for their magazine! Like I'm some kind of Goodtime Charlie shopper. I'll have you know that's not the case, and I'll be damned if I pay money for the magazine, especially since I can get the damn recipes for free online. Eff you Weggies. You're dead to me.

In a whispered voice to Wegmans:

Aw baby, I didn't mean to say those things about you. I love you Wegmans. Please forgive me; I never meant to do you no harm. It's just, ever since you won that Fortune award you act like you're too good for me. If you keep up with the 'tude, I'm going to have to consider taking you off of my Friendster list. Just keep that in mind.


Mister won’t you please help my pony?

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After this past crazy week (eight hours of work-work followed by five hours of manual labor at home), we took it lite this weekend. Wanna hear about it? Here it goes. Don’t wanna hear about it? Then, go here.

Friday night, we did some stuff around the house. Things were in disarray and I couldn’t have slept one more night knowing there were paint cans and a ladder someplace other than the basement. We also replaced three out of four sets of blinds in the living and family rooms, cuz my bonehead husband bought one set in the wrong size. (Love you, Patty!)

Saturday, Big Bad Phil and Nasty B came to town. I made a nice, big dinner, and I handed them some spackle and a couple putty knives, and then yelled, “Now get to work!” Okay, not really, but it seriously crossed my mind. We had some bad weather, so that pretty much nixed any big plans we had to go out on the town. We stayed in and watched some quality programming: a short film featuring Rick Solomon and some white trash girl named after a French city, the deleted scenes and bloopers from Jackass: the Movie, Girls Gone Wild vol. 8, and Saturday Night Live. It’s all about quality programming and lots of it over at the Reed household.

Sunday, Patty and I made a big breakfast, we made Phil shovel the driveway, and then we watched Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle. I told you we’re all about quality programming. After Phil and Becky left, I got loose on a jar of wood putty and Pat worked on laying some pipe, I mean, flooring.

Lemme break it down for you in a pictoral review.

Holy shit, no wonder I was having so many nightmares! When we pulled up the current flooring we found these hardwoods. It looks like at least a dozen hookers were killed on this room's floor alone.

Here's my hot husband giving the floors the business. Ladies, you can look but don't touch (the husband, not the floors). He's off the market! Consider yourselves warned!

Here is a sample of the finished product. Ain't no floors as dope as ours; they are so fresh and clean. (Echo: So fresh and so clean clean.)


It’s official

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The novelty of shoveling our driveway has worn off. Sure, it was fun for a few days: the fact that it was our driveway and walkway; the camaraderie with the neighbors; the feeling that I was getting the best workout I’d gotten in months; and to be honest, I felt a little smug that our walkway was the cleanest on the street. But now, it’s not so fun anymore. And, I only pretty much do it once a day, in the evening. Pat usually does it every morning, God bless him. The fact that I have a good 20+ years of shoveling ahead of me kinda makes me want to cry right now. Maybe we’ll come to our senses and move someplace warm (oh wait, I hate sweating), or maybe we could take some beer money and put it toward hiring a plow service. I digress.

Here's a picture of some dufus in the snow to illustrate my point. Notice the sweet soft border around the image.

Sooo, this has been one heck of a week. I’ve done more physical activity this past week than I think I did in the previous six months. My bother, Phil, and his fiancé, Becky, are coming to town this weekend, and not like they’d give a rat’s ass, but we thought it would be a good goal to get the trim in the living and family rooms painted before they arrived. That in and of itself is not too daunting of a task, but then we bought that flooring, and we just couldn’t contain ourselves; we had to take it out of the boxes. Our charming and helpful friend, Mike B, came out a couple nights to help out. (Did I mention how helpful he is?) While Pat and Mike were working on the floors, I was working on the trim. Our house is a complete disaster right now, which is totally stressful for an uptight control freak like me. For real. It’s all for the greater good though. I finished painting last night, and the guys made great progress on the flooring. Now I’m nice and tired, just in time for Phil and Becky’s arrival. When they get here, I’m sure I’ll just be laying the couch, and I'll say in my best "dragon lady" voice, “Hey kids, go help yourselves to something nice to eat. There are Steakums in the freezer and some Shasta in the garage.” I may even take up smoking to make it sound more authentic. I take my craft very seriously.

Oh, so these aren't the real Phil and Becky. I didn't have any real pictures of them handy, so I found these other "Phil and Becky" people with a Google image search. Whatever. Same difference. My brother and his fiance are much more attractive than these people though.

If this blog doesn’t make sense, it’s ‘cause I’m real tired. Did I mention I’m tired too?

For real though, the moral of the story is, don’t be dumb! Be sure to set your sights nice and low. That way, you never end up disappointed.


Sick of hearing about my issues with my fly? Then you're in luck!

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It's a shameless plug for our friend Todd's band Clampede! Here's the Clamfo:

Clam-pede! w/ Faces on Film and Desolation Bells

Performing at TT the Bear's Place

Tuesday, February 1 @ 9:00 PM

10 Brookline St Cambridge

Directions and Info

For the love of Pede, get info on the rest of the Clampede! shows here.



File under: Uncategorized

How is it possible that I just looked down and noticed that my fly was open for the third time in two days? How is it that I can go about my life, doing things like driving, carrying a conversation, reading all day long through extremely technical jargon and even understanding some of it, and then I can forget to zip my fly? Three times in TWO DAYS. Once at Home Depot, once at home, and once at the office. All right, no more free shows! You had your chance.

As you can see, the zipper is a highly specialized piece of equipment. Those who know how to use it have been known to make upwards of $0.50 an hour.


Just call us nana and pop-pop

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So, it's Friday night. 10:49 PM. What the hell am I doing on the computer? Last year, (and the year before, and the year before, and the year before...) we would have been at Mex right now.

Tonight was, well, very different. After work, we went to Chase-Pitken to get wood laminate flooring, then we went to Petco, and then we came home and watched CSI. Next thing you know, I'll be ordering things from QVC, storing tissues up my sleeve, and eating dinner at 3:30. At least I haven't started dressing the cats up or anything like that.

Who made me bland? Deep down, I really like it a lot. In fact, we happened to run into Kevin and Lara at Pittsford Plaza right before we bought the flooring. Lara said, "Are you going to go see Meet the Fockers too??" and I gleefully replied, "No, we're buying wood laminate flooring!" After all, it was on sale, and old folks like us enjoy a good value.


2005-01-12 13:25:51

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B I G... P O P... P A...

I received this email the other day from our friend David "Twigglesworth" Twigg. He has started a consulting company of sorts.

For everyone’s entertainment, I have translated a
popular Biggy Smalls Song from Ebonics to Proper
English. My skills are for sale if anybody is
requiring an Ebonics translation.

Original Lyrics:

First things first, I, Poppa, freaks all the honeys

Dummies-Playboy bunnies, those wantin' money

Those the ones I like’ cause they don't get nothin'

But, Penetration, unless it smells like sanitation-

Garbage, I turn like doorknobs

Heartthrob, never, black and ugly as ever-

However, I stay coogied down to the socks

Rings and watch filled with rocks

Twigg Translation

As a general rule, I perform deviant sexual acts with
women of all kinds, including but not limited to those
with limited intellect, nude magazine models, and
prostitutes. I particularly enjoy sexual encounters
with the latter group as they are generally
disappointed in the fact that they only receive
penetrative intercourse and nothing more, unless of
course they douche on a consistent basis. Although I
am extremely unattractive, I am able to engage in
these types of sexual acts regularly. Perhaps my
sexuality is somehow related to my fancy clothes and
expensive jewelry.


The translation seems to be quite accurate and well thought out. I believe that Twigg will have a brilliant career in this niche market. There are few translators in the biz with as much talent and passion.


How cool is that?

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Wegmans made it to number 1 on Fortune Magazine's list of 100 best companies to work for. Read the story here. I do loves me Wegmans. If I ever got laid off, I think I would try to get a sweet gig in the cheese department. Those cheese people are living the high life for sure. Anyone have any fond Wegmans-related memories or anecdotes they'd like to share?

Wegmans kicks ass

In other news, Kodak is not doing too badly themselves. At a recent Consumer Electronics trade show, their EasyShare-One camera won two awards - the "Next Big Thing" and the "Best of Show." Check it out here.

Hot damn! Rochester is all up in your Kool-Aid. Other cities don't even know the flavor. What?


2005-01-09 08:09:03

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Wow, it's been a long time since I've written an update. So long that I actually had to think pretty hard to remember the login info to get to our admin page. Damn. Sorry to the hardcore Fran fans out there. I know you've been thinking, Pat's okay, but Fran's updates are da bomb. Why will she not write a new blog?

Or not. I'm just sayin'.

So, work has been kind of insane lately. We're trying to woo a new potential client and I just got pulled onto a project for them. It has been hellish and it reminds me very much of my days doing testing for our Cisco projects and I don't like it. On a brighter note, my job is going to be changing this year and I'm super excited about it. I'm going to be dedicated to testing code and software for our programming team. That means, I get to work with wicked smart people, which is awesome. I had my first meeting Friday and I was really, really excited about it. I'm sure I'm going to look like a complete moron at first, but hey, I informed them that I really have no clue yet, but I'm extremely eager to learn. This is going to be great for the resume too.

Friday, we celebrated Kirsten's birthday. We went over to Cima's before her party, and we realized we didn't have a card or gift for her. Amy whipped up a fantastic 3-D card, and Chris whipped up a phenomenal gift, consisting of a Girls Gone Wild DVD, Lit'l Beef Franks (aka, cocktail weenies), and other sundry items he found around his house. I was so impressed by the end product. Lit'l Beef Frankly, I think Chris and Amy should go into business together making gift baskets.

The party was a good time. There was a lot of poker playing. And you know what they say about poker? I don't even know her, right? Anyway, some of us beat feet out of there to go to the Bug Jar for a little dancing. All I can say is, someone needs to open a dancing facility with no smarmy men in it. Can someone please do this? Or, perhaps, could men stop being smarmy?? You're ruining my dance-a-thon.

Friday night was a little more fun than Pat and I have been accustomed to lately, so we decided to take it light on Saturday. We even turned down an invitation to honor the birth of Elvis, and just stayed home and watched a movie. We saw Anchorman. It was pretty good, but not as funny as I was hoping for.

I hope the new year is treating you all well. One of our friends is in my thoughts a lot right now. She knows who she is.

The glove of love,


2005-01-07 08:30:09

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Hold The Phone...

Kojak just got serious about releasing sexy cameras.

  • 4.0 MP and KODAK color science chip for beautiful pictures
  • 3.0" (7.6 cm) share-friendly, rotating touch screen and stylus
  • Wireless for instant sharing